Bodies

On Saturday night- after several rounds- Karen became emphatic that public nudity should not be a punishable offense. "It's our natural state," she exclaimed. She suggested that our society glorifies violence but shuns nudity, so in order to fix our priorities we ought to accept the body however much (or little) one wishes to cover his.

The pros are many. If we grew up with naked people at the grocery store, at the park, and at the hairdresser we'd probably gawk only in extreme cases. It could be educational; "Look, honey," a mother might say to her son, "That's a giant boil in that woman's midsection. Remember when we talked about that?" Celebrities who are "accidentally" photographed exposing a nipple or a very shaved vagina could breathe a sigh of relief in a society that accepts nudity. Seeing that even very fit women have some cellulite might allow a more average-bodied woman to stop obsessing about her own thigh dimples.*

While I rarely promote governmental intervention in our lives, I have to stick with the prudes on this one. I have no problem with nudity where it's commonly accepted. I would much rather have children growing up watching movies with overt sexuality than with extreme violence. If people want to start nudists' colonies I applaud them. If women want to work as strippers for a living I think it's their right.

It's just that some people go out of their way to be flagrantly naked as if they are pushing some kind of flesh agenda. A woman at my gym, for example, came out of the shower and into the locker room one evening. After drying off she dropped her towel and proceeded to dry her hair butt naked.

"Maybe she didn't want to get hair on her clothes," you say. That's possible, but she could have at least strapped on a bra and some underwear.

"Maybe she is a voyeur. Maybe she wanted other people in the locker room to see her and become envious of her physique," you say. Without being a total bitch, let me assure you this was definitely not the case.

This woman simply stands naked to state non-verbally how okay she is with nudity. The locker room is a safe zone and nobody is forced to look at her, but we do and she knows we will because it's weird to stay naked for an extended period of time while grooming in the locker room.

Another reason I'm against public nudity is that it's unhygienic. I definitely don't want to sit down in a theater if a bunch of naked hairy asses have been sitting on the seat previously. It's bad enough that a person risks exposure to lice, scabies, and airborne diseases in public settings, but to fear catching crabs in a taxi or landing in someone's skidmark at the theater is a horror that defies description. I would be arrested for randomly spraying Lysol on strangers' privates.

Most women don't want to walk to school or work looking at erect penises. Maybe many men want to walk to work looking at hardened nipples, but that's simply too bad. I know two women who were (on separate occasions) confronted by a men who exposed themselves. They were traumatized.

Perhaps you think I'm incredibly vulgar for discussing this topic so candidly, but a nude society would be a filthy , unsexy, cellulite-and-fat-roll filled disaster area and I want to squash any suggestions that it would be a healthier nirvana of self-esteem. The body is not a temple. The body is a disease-ridden sweaty mess that should be naked only in bathrooms, bedrooms and briefly in locker rooms.

_____________________________________________________________

*More likely the sight of a few perfect asses on the street would drive more of us to extreme, unhealthy butt-banishing measures.