Alternate titles:
"Jesus is a Terrorist"
Or, "I'm Glad to be an American Afforded the Rights of Blasphemy and to Make Assertions that My President is a Demagogue"
Or, "I've Inherited My Mother's Insomnia and This is What I Lay in Bed Thinking When the Apartment Managers' Loud Sex Keeps Me From Much-Needed Sleep"
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I'm fairly certain that if Christ ever existed and if He were to come again, now would be a good time. Were He really to come again to judge the living and the dead, as both Christians and Muslims believe He will, and Jews anticipate He will come to do for the first time, it would be nice for Him to show up before we really betray H
is legacy and hack and bomb and bad-mouth each other to within a shred of dignity. When I was a kid I packed up all of my Barbies one day and stormed out of friend Connie's house because she insisted, eight-year-old Baptist zealot that she was, that "Catholics aren't Christians." Oh Lord I was pissed. "My mom is Catholic and you don't know what you're talking about," I said. Our doll-based friendship was slow to reconcile. This disagreement is analogous to the global discord among the monotheists. Please, God, if you're out there get this over with. It would be awfully nice for Jesus to show his face and settle this childish mess. If He did resurface, though, it would not be a bit surprising when the Bush Administration locked Him up in the prison at Guantanamo Bay.
Who is this guy, inciting masses of seemingly unrelated individuals to fill the streets in chaotic demonstrations, law enforcement officials would ask themselves. How do we get people back at work, women back at malls, children back in schools? THIS IS NOT JUDGMENT DAY, they'd tell us, BUT IT'S ABOUT TO BE BLACK TUESDAY IF YOU ALL DON'T STOP EXALTING YOUR LORD AND GET BACK TO YOUR MINIVANS AND WAREHOUSE SHOPPING AND AMERICAN IDOL WATCHING. And who is this Hay-Zeuss character? Rural Americans are supposed to want to ship aliens OUT of the US. Where is his passport? The Department of Homeland Security would most assuredly not let the incarnation of Christ ignite the reliably unproblematic 30-something percent of Christian Americans to abandon their suburban routines. No; Christ Reincarnate would be branded a would-be terrorist by Cheney and locked up without warrant in a maximum security prison until He could be tortured into admission of His plans to end life as we know it, which is really the plan, right:
"Mr. President," an NSA official would report in hushed tones in the oval office, "This man says he plans to annex all countries into his 'Kingdom.' What's that? Yes, even the hungry African ones with nonexistent GDPs. I suggest we fry him before he escapes to a spider hole."
Yes, Jesus 2.0 would be a serious threat to global security. It's very likely the Vatican would not have the resources necessary to qualm the media frenzy surrounding speculation that Christ is risen. It's also likely, at least in the eyes of blasphemous cynics like myself, that Ol' Benedict would not be too keen on being unseated as the spiritual leader of all the Earth's Christians by some welfare baby born of a teenage mother who claims to be the New Holy Spirity..
"Ach, du bist nicht so schöen," he would say to the alleged Christ child.
(Rough translation, "Who the hell do you think you are? I've seen David Blaine perform way more impressive miracles than that. Go ahead: judge me. I dare you.") Then he'd take a trip to America and bless throngs of true believers and genuflecters in a nice, orderly fashion.
No, even though God is rumored to be waiting to reappear at the time when all the Earth is evil, the anti-Christ omnipresent, and pro-Israel movement at a crisis point, it would not be a sage move for Christ to show his face around here right now. Sorry, God, we're so busy narcissistically defending you point-counterpoint that we'd be forced to lock you up in a modern, metaphorical crucifixion process that would only serve to make you a martyr inspiring more widespread global violence. Best to stay seated at the right hand of the Father for now. Come again after the next Tsunami or Hiroshima or something, when we're all taking a breather for a moment of brotherly love.
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