King Kong was a Load of Crap

I admit my interest during the opening scenes of Peter Jackson's King Kong. Naomi Watts' little vaudeville song and dance was delightful. The art deco touches of the screen credits promised something artistic in the vein of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Even Jack Black seemed to have a captivating energy that catapulted the story forward. I really thought it was going to be a great movie. I was wrong.

King Kong was an overthought load of horse shit and anyone who agrees with my little brother that "It's the best movie I've ever seen" is an idiot. If the following list does not convince you that I am correct then you are an idiot, too.

1. Jack Black

I don't know why Jack Black was cast as the movie director. Was it to draw a young audience? Was it because the one facial expression that he has seemed fitting for a man possessed? Jack Black was worse in this movie than Samuel L. Jackson was in the Star Wars prequels (I TALK LIKE THIS). Whoever cast him must have forgotten that funny hats and the ability to speak quickly does not equate with good acting. There was nothing forceful about him, other than the hypnotic stare he displayed in every single scene. Nobody would have been coerced to try and tame King Kong, tie him up, and sail the seas back to New York after being terrorized by this giant beast just because Jack Black gave him the crazy eye.

I wish the dinosaurs had eaten his puny body.

2. The Heart of Darkness BS

Thanks, Peter Jackson, for choosing to keep this ridiculously out-of-place subplot in the movie, thereby needlessly extending it for fifteen minutes. I know this kid must be your nephew or something, but couldn't you have saved this useless, sidetracked tangent for the extended version DVD we all know you will release after you get done celebrating how great you are at making a Halo movie?

Peter Jackson's Nephew
If the crew men of this boat were so fucking intelligent how did they let Jack Black coerce them into sailing into uncharted waters? All Jack Black had to do was untie a few ropes and suddenly they were slaves to a mad man. Get your nose out of books, you imps, and turn the boat around.

3. Jack Black

"Twas beauty killed the beast."

Twas this line that made me vomit.

4. The Big Bug Scene

It's bad enough that King Kong was turned into The Lost World MCMXV, but then Mr. Jackson had to further extend the painful length of this exercise in patience by including the giant bug scene. Sure, it was nice that the leading man, when doubting his machismo, got to stick it to some humongous creepy crawlies, but the scene was totally superfluous and should have been left for the aforementioned wank fest that will surely be the Director's cut (as if he cut anything). The explanation, "But it's Peter Jackson," is not an acceptable justification for the giant bug scene. I love elephants, but if I were making a movie about a classical pianist trying to cut it in the arts world I would not throw in a scene with some elephants running through the brush as a symbol of the intense nature of the business. It's irresponsible.

5. This:

Whose great idea was it to shoot the ape on top of the Empire State Building?

General Wilson: Get some planes up there and shoot down that giant ape.
Captain Lightfoot: But General! When the ape falls he will surely crush people
Gen. Wilson: The ape will not fall. He will fall peacefully asleep and then magicians will remove his hulking mass from the top of the tallest building in the world with great ease.
Captain Lightfoot: Roger that.

I realize that this is the quintessential King Kong visual, but the point of re-making a movie is to improve on it. I'm surprised we didn't have to wait twenty more minutes while blood spurted from his veins and little parasites created some worldwide complication that could only be solved with lots of guns and heroic battle scenes with fantastic creatures. Or we could have celebrated the end as militia men chopped him into pieces small enough to be transported down the side of the building. We could have watched the same wealthy patrons of the theater where he was put on display bid on bits of his fur and his opposable thumbs. But no; we were just supposed to sit there and cry.