Toe Cleavage

Last weekend I showed up at Erin's house all dolled up to go dancing*. "Whoa you look really good," said Erin.

"Thanks," I said. "I tried." I pulled out some rarely-worn heels that would complete the look once we left for the night. "Those are cute," said Erin's friend Nicole.

"Yeah, thanks. I like your shoes, too," I told her.

"Thanks," she said. "I love 'em but I have toe cleavage in them. I hate that."

"Ooh, me too," said Karen.

"You guys- what the hell? Toe cleavage?" I asked them. "What the hell is toe cleavage?"

"It's when your toe cracks show in your shoes," said Nicole.

"Uhh, are you joking?"

They weren't joking. I just looked "toe cleavage" up on Wikipedia. It's defined there as "The partial exposure of a woman's toes in shoes that are cut low enough at the vamp. Low cut shoes reveal toe cleavage similar to how low cut tops reveal breast cleavage. It is also often referred to as "toe squish" by teens."

In case you're as clueless as I was:

No toe cleavage





Toe cleavage





I stay abreast of most common style terms. I know what "muffin top" is, and "Oprah Arms." Toe cleavage, though, has taken me entirely by surprise.

I suppose I ought to be excited by this. After all, it's about as close to any kind of cleavage I'm ever going to get.

Really, though. I understand indulging ourselves in silly things that don't matter. But fucking toe cleavage? Nicole hates it. But Manolo Blahnik, Shoe Wizard, has said of toe cleavage that it is "a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe," and that the secret is to "only show the first two cracks."

Lord help me. I don't wanna live in a world where George Bush is leader of the Western World. I don't wanna live in a world where Ronald McDonald is more widely recognized than Gandhi. All that aside, I don't wanna live in a world where, when I put on uncomfortable shoes because they supposedly make my legs look longer or whatever, I have to worry how many cracks, if any, between my toes are showing. Maybe we should just decide that toe cleavage is unequivocally bad and when we circumcise young boys, we can web young girls' feet. What the hell. It's better than genital mutilation.

It's possible I'm channeling a 65 year-old man, but the concept of toe cleavage is just too much for me. If you see me around town and my third and fourth cracks are showing, cut me some slack. I'm from Montana.

_____________________________________________
*Shoot me in the face.