The cutest lady lives on the block where I work. She looks around thirty years old, is slim and has gorgeous dark hair and cute features, and she has the cutest effing dog in the world. That's right: effing. Several times a day she- dressed with much class- comes out of her building with her Scottie dog and walks him around the block. She has a Burberry rain jacket for him when there is even a hint of precipitation. The dog is extremely well-mannered. He doesn't tug the leash or linger near a smelly bush. All of this screams to me that the woman is a totally anal psycho who has choke-chained her dog into submission.
That's the beauty of dogs: you can have as many neuroses as possible and still be a good pet owner. This woman would likely drive a child to his wit's end with her perfectionist tendencies, but a dog only has so much self-esteem to damage. If she had a kid it would be rather expensive to keep him in Burberry, but a dog only needs maybe one or two designer items in his entire lifetime. If she had kids, she would have to go to soccer games and school plays to shower attention on them, but because she has an adorable dog she can take it out for walks and turn heads herself.
The advantages of dogs are not solely for chic Seattleite women. It seems clear to me that dogs would be a good replacement for children for most people, from infancy to adulthood. Here's why:
1. Breast Milk
When a woman has a baby it is strongly recommended that she nurse the infant for several months. Suddenly the sensitive nipple area is under attack several times daily by a tireless mongrel demanding her milk. When a woman gets a puppy it has already been breast-fed by its mother and the new owner can just open a can of food. No new bras, no nipple attacks. No contest.
2. Potty training
A puppy is usually fairly well potty-trained within a few months. A parent can't even begin to potty train a kid until he is over a year old and walking. That means you have to wipe excrement from your child's body daily for over 500 percent longer than you have to scoop your dog's excrement from the newspaper on the floor. Also, diapers are expensive and hazardous to the earth while spreading newspaper on the floor is sort of recycling it.
3. Play time
Horror of horrors, if you have daughters you are expected to play house with them. I used to babysit for a little girl whose version of house went something like this: "Let's pretend that we're sisters only Mom doesn't love you she loves me and you are locked in the dungeon and are trying to get out and I'm upstairs watching Veggie Tales and you are starving. OK, go." To play with a dog you throw a stick, talk to your friend on the phone about something interesting, take the stick when the dog comes back and then throw it again and keep talking. And if you don't feel like playing catch one day you can just put the dog outside to explore for a while in the backyard. You can't neglect a kid one day because you have a migraine.
4. Hygiene
Perhaps you're thinking, "But dogs are kind of gross." I am happy to remind you that kids are gross, they urp and stream snot from their noses and eat dirt and will only bathe when forced. Dogs, it's true, lick their genitals and occasionally slobber, but they are licking their genitals in an effort to stay clean. Show me one kid who has ever tried to eliminate his own body odor. It doesn't happen.
5. Life Span
Not only do kids get more and more expensive as they age, but you are stuck with them for life. If you have a bad seed, that's it. This is your kid and for better or worse your name will forever be tied to his. A dog only lives about ten years, so in the time it took you to raise one kid you can have two delightfully different dogs to break up the monotony. Also, dogs don't go to college or need prom dresses or car insurance and they don't demand to be entertained on road trips. They will just look out the window.
6. Personality
Finally, and most importantly, most dogs are fairly optimistic creatures who are usually happy to see you. Kids can be selfish little pricks who don't understand what commuter traffic is and want all of your attention when you just want to go for a run or read the newspaper. Dogs don't really have their own interests, making them the perfect post-work companions. Also, you can swear in front of dogs and watch whatever movie you feel like and listen to any music you enjoy and the dog will never be worse off. With kids parents spend years tip-toeing around adult issues and pressure their offspring to stay good, which is totally futile. Kids will grow up to have sex and drink and swear. You can neuter or spay a dog and worry about nothing corrupting it thereafter. I rest my case.
Someone who is capable of becoming routinely captivated by childlike wonder is a deserving and admirable parent. For the rest of us, I suggest dogs. They are easy, fun, and when you're pissed at the dog you don't have your own genetics to blame.
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